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Temporarily Going Offline

Sunday, October 16, 2016
update, going offline, On My Kindle Book Reviews

I am a fake. I have been putting on a show and it is time to come clean. I will finish up this week before going offline for at least three weeks.

Those of you who have followed me for over a year know that I was diagnosed with PTSD shortly before Kyle and I were married. Many of you know that I had a pretty bad childhood and know that the abuse continued well into my young adult years. You have read a little bit about how I am seeking treatment and how I have struggled to hold down a job because of the flashbacks and anxiety. I do pretty well for a few weeks, sometimes a few months; however, something happens in the workplace and I fall apart.

What You Don't Know

I have not been completely honest with you when discussing my struggles with PTSD. I hate not having a job: I feel isolated from humanity, I struggle with feelings of uselessness and being a burden to my husband, and I hate how some people perceive me because I do not have a "real" job.

When I do work, I am constantly on "high alert" for potential threats; when something does happen at work, I have some kind of meltdown and I end up quitting before I lose my job, or losing my job. Afterward, I feel a short period of relief before I begin the self-recrimination so I get another job, and the cycle begins once again. I really do not want to be on disability, so one of the goals that I have set with my psychologist is to break this cycle and hold down a part-time job.

I have been writing cheerful "Marvelous Monday" posts, sharing reviews and preparing "Featured Title" posts; it is a lie. I have been reading and reviewing books; however, the cheerfulness and the enthusiasm that you see this week is a front. Recent events in my personal life have made it impossible for me to maintain this facade; I am angry, I am hurt, and the flashbacks have been overwhelming.

At this point, there are only three reasons why I have been able to get out of bed: the promises I made to review books, caring for Lexi, and to do my best to support my husband during what I know is a difficult time for him. I really cannot say more about this publicly; for friends who are following me, you can reach me privately.

For this week, I will post reviews and featured titles as promised. For authors who are waiting on reviews, I will continue to read your books and post reviews on Goodreads, Amazon, Kobo, B&N, etc... I will post reviews on the blog and promote them when I am back online. If I have worked with you before and you really need a review as soon as possible, you know how to reach me.

Given the personal nature of the recent events that have made me feel the need to go offline for a while, I have shut off the comments for this post.